Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Dumb Ass". He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a "Shit Head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
SOMETHING2SHARE:
Have fun as we age gracefully after retirement. Hahaha.....
Showing posts with label Downloaded from forwarded email/Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Downloaded from forwarded email/Joke. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
SOMETHING2SHARE:
Ladies, no man is perfect!!!
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
SOMETHING2SHARE:
Ladies, no man is perfect!!!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
One More Joke To Share..
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, ”How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less,” I earn $ 2,000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet, removed $ 6000.00 cash, gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months’ salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!”
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, ”How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less,” I earn $ 2,000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet, removed $ 6000.00 cash, gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months’ salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!”
SOMETHING2SHARE:
Firing the wrong guy?
Don't act in a hurry before you find out.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Another Joke To Share
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for planters.
Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, 'The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, 'That woman was my mother!'
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the planters who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his company's presentation. As he shyly approached the stage one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'
His audience sat shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the planter finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
'
Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, 'The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, 'That woman was my mother!'
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the planters who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his company's presentation. As he shyly approached the stage one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'
His audience sat shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the planter finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
'
Monday, July 7, 2008
A Joke To Share...
A Chinese man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to China on business for 2 weeks and wanted to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced his car's registration card and insurance cover note.
The Loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Chinese forusing a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we'd checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5, 000."
The Chinese replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.”
SOMETHING2SHARE:
Now who dare to say that the Chinese work hard not smart? Hahaha…..
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced his car's registration card and insurance cover note.
The Loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Chinese forusing a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we'd checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5, 000."
The Chinese replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.”
SOMETHING2SHARE:
Now who dare to say that the Chinese work hard not smart? Hahaha…..
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
OLDER MEN THINK FAST
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he came near the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized that there was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he came near the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized that there was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband argued, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replied, "No! You should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband protested, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband argued, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replied, "No! You should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband protested, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
ESE or KEE (KEY)
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry, Sir, but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Javanese or other kind of -ese?"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkey, or monkey?"
Something2learn from this joke:
Never makes fun of other races.
You never know others will repay you “insult with insult.”
Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry, Sir, but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Javanese or other kind of -ese?"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkey, or monkey?"
Something2learn from this joke:
Never makes fun of other races.
You never know others will repay you “insult with insult.”
ESE & BERG
One Chinese person walked into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushed over to him, and asked for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gave him a slap and said, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese!”
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gave Spielberg a slap and said,” You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replied "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replied "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
(This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain)
Something2learn from this joke:
Never look down on other races.
Never insult others.
Worst if you have messed up and got the historical event wrong!
(Better keep your big mouth shut if you are not a historian)
What I’ve learned from Confucius:
“What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others!”
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese!”
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gave Spielberg a slap and said,” You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replied "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replied "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
(This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain)
Something2learn from this joke:
Never look down on other races.
Never insult others.
Worst if you have messed up and got the historical event wrong!
(Better keep your big mouth shut if you are not a historian)
What I’ve learned from Confucius:
“What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others!”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
